cynthetickravings...

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

"i am casually faithless and long for a chance where height might seize to scare...travel across this body...it's mine...closed, tight, wanting...last novmber you drew the symbols of death down my arm...this november my grave stands in rude errection...thrust the world between my legs...my womb will feel no more...and one worldly day. this all might wake into another conversation with myself " (me, 2001)

... posted at 10:43 PM by C.flava. 0 comments


Monday, September 29, 2003

The painting's done... i changed my mind about creating more textures with sand and paper... I will with the next piece I do. Now I know why Art Therapy is so popular these days... there's something about it that is sort of like drumming... I can't quite put my finger on it... so as usual the shit I do looks like stuff a 3 year old would do... but... I felt like a 3 year old as I did it...

... posted at 4:38 AM by C.flava. 0 comments


Saturday, September 27, 2003

I finally got to drum my heart out. it'd been a long time... a month exactly, since I let it out this way... I've really gotten attached to djembe Ro



... whose skin was torn for about a year... finally got it repaired while I was in San Francisco.

And would you believe, Sam MADE, not bought... MADE an African drum for me!!!!!!!!!!! It's called an Ashiko!!



It was probably the best gift a friend could have ever given me... for my birthday... thanks sam....I brought it to Sentosa beach today... it was gorgeous in the sun...

I also did some fire poi after the sun set....

... posted at 9:25 AM by C.flava. 0 comments


Friday, September 26, 2003

Insomnia does the strangest things to ya... I was distressed by some problems at work... stuff that could get me into a lot of trouble... I'm being made to take the blame for someone else's shit... anyway, a bunch of thoughts kept me up till 6.30am... but there was photoshop therapy... which helped ease the heightened anxiety...




At least the night was productive now wasn't it?

... posted at 8:34 AM by C.flava. 0 comments


Thursday, September 25, 2003

2 evenings ago...

"I have a question to ask you, but you can choose not to answer if you don't want to."

A co-worker asked me that in the middle of a train ride.... And of course my first knee jerk reaction was oh god, she knows I'm bisexual... I felt my sense of equilibrium being shaken and my being shake... I hadn't felt this way in ages... I used to believe that I was way past this fear... Did I come this far to fear a simple question?... I gained my composure as quickly as I could.

"Why don't we talk when the beer's in front of us?"

I began planning my coming out speech... When was the last time I came out to a friend... Lord that was ages ago... And so it was rehearsed in my mind, ... Yes I keep it from people at work, because I suppose this is my personal life, plus you know how it is in Singapore... People aren't educated enough to know what being gay means... blah blah... I'm sorry if you feel like I have lied to you... it was really a choice between my professional life or the truth... and I suppose I don't feel afraid of telling the truth anymore...

Why was I even rehearsing the speech in my head? No, really, why??? I never used to be this way, since when did I swallow this homophobia into myself... I used to pride myself on having no such secrets, of being brave enough to handle judgments... of being brave enough to be deemed perverted, queer, sick... all those things... since when did I begin to worry all over again...? It was at that point in the train that I realized, how horrible it was that I lost that freedom in my heart. That courage to be who I was... Being with a woman... I have to remind myself, was never something that just happened... it was a choice to spit on pointing fingers and act on what was true to myself... I could have chosen any other thing... but the point, was that, I didn't...

So, it turns out all she wanted to know was whether or not I ever made out with this guy. And of course I never did make out with this guy, so the answer was negative.... and since, she went on talking about men the whole night, i didn't see the need to come out.

But, if I am asked, I will not lie. I didn't come this far to lie, to hide. If you act ashamed, people treat you like you ought to be. I guess I'm in the closet at work to protect people.... save face for my parents... It's not that they disapprove of me, but i fear people judging them for having a daughter who's bisexual... not that my mother isn't prepared to lose anything for my happiness... she told me she didn't mind standing up for me... I adore her for that

If only people would come to see, that the choices I have made are beautiful. How could something as gorgeous as being in love with her be perverse?



"The pink color represents sexual attraction to the same sex only (gay and lesbian), the blue represents sexual attraction to the opposite sex only (straight) and the resultant overlap color purple represents sexual attraction to both sexes (bi). The key to understanding the symbolism in the Bi Pride Flag is to know that the purple pixels of color blend unnoticeably into both the pink and blue, just as in the 'real world' where bi people blend unnoticeably into both the gay/lesbian and straight communities. " - BiFlag.com

Hee... just thought I'd add that little bit of info in...

Over the weekend, a friend of mine, almost got beaten up because she was lesbian... some homophobic guy with nerdy glasses spat on her and threatened to beat her up... and yeah, I'm scared of getting beaten up... and all that... but what can you do? Go around being scared? Hell no.

I guess this last week has sort of been a time for me to find better grounding, re-evaluate the things I ought to be appreciating, reminding myself that its the decisions I make that are really the things that construct my identity, the things that help me make sense of existence in the first place. I have to remind myself to appreciate it, or else fall into the depths of fear and depression.

... posted at 9:05 AM by C.flava. 0 comments


Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Do you want to know what this is? (Click here) human beings can be so innovative these days...

Right, so I dragged myself to watch Pirates of the Caribbean... I wasn't sure if I was the only one who thought it was boring and hilarious at the same time... the skeletons were just so incredibly ridiculous... It just made the boredom humorous... if that makes any sense.

... posted at 8:57 PM by C.flava. 0 comments


Sunday, September 21, 2003



7 diamonds for each day of the week.



A couple of weeks ago I began painting my third piece... this time, I'd like some more variations in texture... I might paste sand and paper on the canvas to give it more depth... we'll have to wait and see, i have no idea where this painting's going.

... posted at 9:32 PM by C.flava. 0 comments


It's one of those nights... you know the sort where you feel gravity weighing on your chest... where you feel old ache fiddle with your memories... where you feel dark history spread itself before you...?

I'm happy those days are over... they are physically over...

Although, it's moments like these that I feel some old emotions residue to become timeless wars within me.... they can't be over... it's like a cycle that renews itself from time to time, a current feature of my mental physique... sometimes time defies it's place... the future, the past... all of it becomes a mess.... and it's in moments like these that I make sense of things, that new things are formed.

It's late, I ought to be in bed... but my chest is tightening up in knots and my head is clouded with mouldy stories...


... posted at 10:00 AM by C.flava. 0 comments


So it's finally up!... Thanks to wen, who dedicated 3 hours of her Sunday to the betterment of cynthetickravings.com.. imagine how humanity will come to appreciate it...

Right,... and on that particulaly useless and redundant note, that probably proves to most, that I am a genuine lump of cheese, I hereby declare my website revamped and ready to join the world of bloggers.

_____________


Last night was Grrlflicks night at Actors Bar. Wen and I desperately tried to sell the rest of the damn tees and tanks... but then you know, the crowd had seen the same designs from us over and over... so we sold about 5 tees... which isn't too bad considering it was the same people at the same event for the 4th time.

I had fun, and I have pictures to prove it!







... posted at 2:25 AM by C.flava. 0 comments


profile
nick: cyntheticflava
gender: female
d.o.b.: 240878
location: San Francisco/Singapore
food pref: lacto vege
work: field of shrinkology
musical instrument: djembe
fav colors: blue, maroon
fav food: baked corn
fav body part: armpit
music: d&b/hiphop/jazz
fav writers: kundera, murakami