cynthetickravings...
Monday, August 30, 2004
Last week I looked out my living room window and the Bay Bridge was a foggy silver white in the far distance... tonight I looked out towards the same direction and the golden lights from the bridge were glowing against the bluish black night... the weather's been beautiful... warm in the day with some mildly chilly winds and some fog in the night... I live in the warmest part of the city... The Mission is a lot more alive than it was five years ago... a bunch of new dance floors, restaurants and bars have opened up... hiphop djs, middle eastern bellydancers, salsa bars... in the day I hear salsa and hiphop all over... there are also scents that I smell of different fresh foods as well as dusty-musky hardwares, dried pee and furniture...and of course the Chinese have to be a tiny part of every neighborhood... including this Latin one... there are china-town like stores are EVERWHERE... I got my cell phone activated at a tiny store run by Malaysian-Chinese from Perak... it was just wild hearing them interact with this latin family in Spanish while turning around every now and then and checking in on me in cantonese....on some of the warmer afternoons I see ice-cream sellers, just like in Singapore, pushing their carts and calling out to the people in the neighborhood... this neighborhood has everything you can imagine!
Yesterday, I managed to get a ride around my old neighborhood... the fog rolled in as the sun set... it was just so unimaginably pretty... so many old memories ran through my mind, it was like I'd suffered from amnesia and was all of a sudden regaining memory... having flashbacks... memory is a strange thing.
It's been more than a week of being back here... my heart feels settled and grieved at the same time... I saw the full moon hang from the sky and the weight in my heart hung low in my stomach... it felt rich in it's possibility and yet burdened by thousands of mileage.. it has been such a strange irony of renewal. The emptiness of the apartment feels refreshing yet cold... classes have been stimulating and exciting yet heavy going and a little draining...
We spend the first few minutes in class meditating or preparing ourselves for learning which helps lil' ole miss attention deficit here... it is a trip to see a Jewish lady professor hitting Tibeten bowls to produce bell like sounds- reminding us to be present... it is more trippy to see an entire class of predominantly White classmates close their eyes and sit in half lotus position... but hey... if it works for them... more power to them.
I guess i could go on... writing about all the different things that have come into my experiences over the last week... but my mind is wondering inwards
... posted
at 11:55 PM by C.flava.
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Saturday, August 21, 2004
I'm finally in San Francisco sitting in some wireless internet cafe near my apartment... never thought I'd end up living in the Mission district (or 'the new Haight' as they say these days)... i think it's quietened down a lot in the city... before the dot com crash there seemed to be a lot more money being thrown around and people seemed a lot more care free... now i see worried faces and fewer people on the streets... I think the war and the elections feel bleak and dark for everyone... ironically, I was at a Military gay party last night... why would anyone do up a military themed party with everything going on in Iraq...?
On a lighter note, I managed to catch Common live!!! He was awesome!!!
... posted
at 8:25 PM by C.flava.
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Wednesday, August 18, 2004
I'm in Korea... on a 12 hour stop-over...
I have a wild number of things going through my head... Eventhough I tell myself it's for the best, there's a part of me that is really grieving... I left a best friend behind... a confidant, a part of my heart behind, and I'm not sure when this will start to feel better.... I see this as an opportunity for many things to happen... but, I don't know how it will turn out... I can't remember the last I felt this way... that sort of loss and emptiness... enough about tears... just writing about this will never be enough.
... posted
at 9:43 PM by C.flava.
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Wednesday, August 11, 2004
So just a little update about the Nation Party... I was offered a free ticket if I volunteered to pack up tiny safer sex kits and distribute them during the party.... so the whole team was there... and we were setting things up... prepping ourselves for the big party... then we were told to clear up and leave... apparently some warnings were recieved about us not being licensed to distribute the kits. Strange... since Action For Aids is a legal organisation and they've been distributing it at all the previous Nation celebrations...
There were 6000 people at the Nation party... of which, I would say, the majority were homosexual/bisexual men... the rest were lesbian or bisexual women...+++ the occasional fag hags.... we had 2000 condoms and 300 gloves to give out that night... I'm not sure how many bothered to play safe at the after parties. The 2000 condoms could have maybe... prevented at least one new infection of HIV... maybe... saved at least one life...
We were stopped because of some person(s) disgust... and their disgust might have costed some person's life... some peoples' life.... caused some person's eventual death... sure they can go on about how 'they' deserve it or that 'they' ask for it... **** listen to yourselves for a minute.
We packed our stuff calmly... I think the best part of it was that it didn't take us down... we drank a few beers and headed on back to party the night away... hee... I don't think they've seen the last of the pretty red safer sex kits :)
.______________________________________.
So some thoughts about National day and the change of Prime Ministers today....
Things great about being Singaporean:
- Singapore Mee Goreng
- The Esplanade Theatre
- Pelangi Pride Centre
- Low crime rate
- Transportation system
- Hokkien vulgarities (They beat using the F word any day)
- Katong laksa
- Evening breezes in November
- Kopidiam coffee
- Cheap fashion
- Sim Lim Square
- Wicked Aura
- The Counselling and Care Centre
- Creative computer products
- Urban Planning
- Singlish
- Goh Chok Tong
Singaporean things I'm not proud of:
- Anabel Chong
- Materialistic obsessions
- Foreign worker abuse
- Expatriate hero worshipping
- Having no discrimination laws to protect its citizens
- Poor social service management
- The rat race
- Stagnated art/music scene
- Terrorists
- Being called a 'dictatorship'... by BBC
- Being called 'dynastic' by CNN
- Overly resuing parents
- Psychotic building education system
- Childish disbutes about water with Malaysia
- Media Corp productions
- Censorship
- Herd mentality
... posted
at 9:14 PM by C.flava.
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Sunday, August 08, 2004
I had fun meeting the biggest techy-geeky DJs ever last night! No seriously.... It's incredible- putting so much technology and art together... these boys managed to. I was especially taken by some really melodious deep beat live elctronica by Mel. All he had was his little lap top and there he was layering the melodies and the beats. The bunch of them were so humble... so unlike some of the other "I am everyone's DJ god, get on your knees" types I have met. And it's too bad there weren't enough people to hear them spin... or us drum :P
So anyway, they gave me my set of name cards... "live percussionist" is what they decided to call me... I'm so glad to be throwing away the "counsellor" name cards for now :)... it's an unbelievably awesome change. So relieving... like this heavy burden got removed from my shoulders.
So its National Day tomorrow... and in the tradition of our nation's independance celebrations, we have the annual NATION PARTY tonight! One people, One nation, One Singaypore! I'll be on my way to the nation's biggest queer party on Sentosa island... well... not necessarily to party... I'm volunteering to give out condoms to the boys and gloves to the girls :)
Happy National Day Everyone :) !!!
... posted
at 2:18 AM by C.flava.
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Friday, August 06, 2004
I'm not sure if anyone has noticed the weather lately. It's been gorgeous. Day before yesterday, I stepped out into our front porch in my shorts and the mild breeze was so incredibly soothing. I will miss tropical breezes when I leave in 10 days. Although, I'll be back in December, which isn't too far away.
So I've offcially closed up all the work I have to do... just a couple of reports left to do up. It looks like I will not be doing any shrink work for the next 2 years while I'm in school. Shrink work will re-commence in my last year of studies 2006. I look back at the last 8 years of counselling and facilitation... realistically, i must be honest and say, I am definately burnt out.
So I think these next two years... I'm looking forward to taking on new skills... and spending more time, giving to myself. If there is one thing I've learnt from all the work these last 8 years of helping others, it is that:- you have to be working towards your own wholeness and know your vulnerablilities well before you support someone else in their journey.
I think helping professionals are expected to be immaculate beings- not psycho, not racist, not sexist, not homophobic, relationship experts... whatever else. I see beginning professionals, aim for the impossible, role modelling who they are not. Upon reflection, I think the pressure to be a perfect being was weighing down on my shoulders during the first 5 years. It was only in the later part of the process that I realised, it was my own imperfections that allowed me to see my clients as humans too. Being a regular human, you are subjected to the entire realm of crap as well as chocolates. And I have my fair share of crap. If i didn't have any crap, I wouldn't know how to listen about crap. :)
So anyway, I've just joined this group of electronic artists www.thetektilemovement.com
Tonight's the group's preview at the hideout
... posted
at 9:46 PM by C.flava.
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Sunday, August 01, 2004
I'm so tired of running around in circles with you... I feel a deepness I cannot describe... I wish you could feel the words inside me or embrace the tender emotions that circle themselves inwards... I wish our dreams were a steady streaming river... attainable, but they are not... i have you enveloped in my heart and I wish you'd realise how much I want you to feel free, how much i want you to be happy... to smile... and feel joy...
... posted
at 8:55 AM by C.flava.
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