cynthetickravings...
Friday, January 28, 2005
I dated this girl briefly... she had a razor blade around her neck and a bulk box of vitasoy in her backseat... i didnt quite get her persistent eerie humor or her nazi-vegetarian like passion... but she did leave me some awesome music on a little tape she did up for me... one of them was this song... I was 19... and grieving the loss of infinity... rebound dating at its best... overwhelmed by what most would call - first love... nauseating if you think about the whole idea...
Ani Difranco - Superhero Lyrics
sleep walking through the all-nite drug store
baptized in fluorescent light
i found religion in the greeting card aisle
now i know hallmark was right
and every pop song on the radio
is suddenly speaking to me
art may imitate life
but life imitates t.v.
'cuz you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and let's just say that
things look different now
different in so many ways
i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
if i was dressed in my best defenses
would you agree to meet me for coffee
if i did my tricks with smoke and mirrors
would you still know which one was me
if i was naked and screaming
on your front lawn
would you turn on the light and come down
screaming, there's the asshole
who did this to me
stripped me of my power
stripped me down
i used to be a superhero
no one could touch me
not even myself
you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
yeah you've been gone exactly two weeks
two weeks and three days
and now i'm a different person
different in so many ways
tell me what did you like about me
and don't say my strength and daring
'cuz now i think i'm at your mercy
and it's my first time for this kind of thing
i used to be a superhero
i would swoop down and save me
from myself
but you are like a phone booth
that i somehow stumbled into
and now look at me
i am just like everybody else
... posted
at 3:15 PM by C.flava.
3 comments
Tuesday, January 25, 2005
Margeret Cho writes-
"1/23/2005
I Would Love to be White
I would love to be white. Not forever, but perhaps a weekend. Don't you ever get sick of being a minority?
I mean, there is the whole pride thing that white people don't get to have, because you can be anything and be proud but you can't be white and proud because then you seem like you are in the Ku Klux Klan.
There is definitely something to be said for having aspects of minority life illuminated so you can thoughtfully examine your own culture and feel lucky to be who you are. Discussing a heritage and having a collective past that is oppressed and depressing can be a lovely way to spend time after dinner on the front porch as the sun goes down. Friendships can be built on a legacy of loathing, and how wonderful some of the bonds forged in this repressive world can be. But sometimes, I just really get sick of fighting all the time. I am doing battle when I am sleeping. I have to slay the dragons of the myth of heterosexual European male society in my dreams, then get up in the morning and be an activist. I have to watch movies and news about the people that I am not, then I have to translate all of my difficulties and observations in order to make my struggle palatable to those who don't have to march, but are sympathetic to my voice. This is a major part of my audience, an easy ear to bend - yet I still myself must bend it.
What if I didn't have to bend anything? What if there really was a level playing field? I would love to see how far I could actually go. What if all I had to show off was my mad skills? Wouldn't I really be able to fly then?
I have posed this question to other minority artists, and get stumped by answers like "No, not ever have I ever wanted to be white." And I just don't buy it. Why would you not want things to be easier? What if you were just secular, and everything you did were taken at face value, without having to factor in any minority sliding scale or affirmative action?"
My 2 cents:
so, my experience of being asian is terribly different... when i first moved here almost a decade ago, i found it very hard relating to the asian american experience of oppression... but as i lived here longer, i could see how living as a minority in a predominantly white country can be pretty different... i always just thought of myself as me until i moved here and got thrown in this weird box labelled 'asian'... it was such a tiny restricted world... well i thought it was tiny till i came across the an even tinier asian-lesbian world. i never thought much about being asian till i came here... not like my roots or culture... but the racial dynamics in america are so distinct... sometimes u can almost feel tension in the air...
knowledge to know if you want to survive as an asian parachute baby in america 101:
Within the asian communities here... there are the ones who are assimilated enough and those that are not- this is usally judged by degree of accent/dressing etc.
many immigrants or chidren of immigrants have beautiful stories of survival and making it, many also do not... u as an international student will be seen as some rich spoon fed kid... some will decide that even before getting know u...
sometimes they wont understand that your experience of coming to america is different from their parents or their parents experience of asia is different... some will find it hard to see how china is different from singapore... because asians are just lumped into one tiny box here.
... posted
at 2:42 PM by C.flava.
3 comments
Saturday, January 15, 2005
*was chosen by instructor to play the role of a client with a schizoid personality disorder*
"omigod, you played the role so incredibly well.. u have such empathy... first class acting!"- classmates
"no no"- me
"yes yes"- them
"no honestly, i wasnt acting, really"- me
*silence*
... posted
at 9:14 PM by C.flava.
4 comments
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
the first rays of the sun entered my room at exactly 6.55 this morning... i drew my blinds and looked up at the sky... it was a deep purplish red about to burst into a new day... I haven't blogged much in here over the last few months... one reason being that I'd just moved countries and had lots to catch up with...no time to be in the apartment ... another reason being that I wanted to keep away from old habits... the old habit I'd attained... of keeping things in and only letting it out in here... of sweeping things under the carpet... of swallowing what didnt belong to me and keeping it my chest... i feel like maybe i released all that over new years and let the last tear out... i'm done with that... I'll always feel sad, just as with any loss... or grief... but the reflective distance i have now is priceless...
... posted
at 3:12 PM by C.flava.
3 comments
Sunday, January 02, 2005
(taken with my cellphone cam) this was oil pastel on canvas- during my first few weeks in san fran, I spent quite a bit of time exploring the image of a person's lines... the lines that give definition to our being... where the body starts and where it ends...
... posted
at 6:51 AM by C.flava.
3 comments
it is a tradition of mine every start of the year to run through my cellphone phonebook... and to remove the names I don't recognize or names of people that deter my sense of being... over the years... I've slowly but surely made re-decisions every start of the year... to not be a silly doormat...
i've done that for too long and have fallen into that pathetic role way too many a time... I guess I've always known this to be a flaw in my personality... but more recently I've come to see how in protecting the feelings of others... I have neglected my own... and at times, allowed the very people i protect or take care of... to take a dump on me bumpy head... i think i did a lot more of that as a teenager... and i've worked on not letting these things happen... but they still do... so...
so... in the tradition of new years,... i am once again eliminating phone numbers... taking mental notes... saving my energies for things like art and music... enough is enough...
another ritual i have every new year is buying myself a bottle of evian mineral water.... a big bottle... to replace the tears i've cried... i was home bound this year... so I boiled filtered water and drank it all down...
i spent time boxing up old memories and resigned myself to the imperfections of 2004 as well as celebrated decisions and events that uplifted my spirit in 2004... i made just as many mistakes as i did the right thing... the world looks pretty devastating right now... but... i have never seen so many people come outta their shell to help either... i'm not sure if it all balances out, or if this is just one chaotic mess we're all in... but
we made it through another year... bring 2005 on
... posted
at 6:40 AM by C.flava.
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