... posted
at 12:05 AM by C.flava.
1 comments
Sunday, October 30, 2005
I know I don't even know how to play guitar... but the baby taylor is just so cuteee and the sound is incredible!
... posted
at 10:49 PM by C.flava.
3 comments
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
so... it's amazing how people read blogs and imagine them to be entire accounts of other peoples' lives... the persona I've presented in this blog has been one of sadness... mostly because this is my only outlet for darkness... outside of this blog and in other times of my life there is light, happiness and joy... for some reason most people are entertained by darkness in movies and blogs but are terrified of it in person... the few people whom i've shown darkness to are people i have trusted deeply... but not everyone can hold darkness... and i guess hence this blog...
in my profession, people arrive in the office with dark things to say... they choose to say it to me mostly because the others in their lives are sick of it... people around them can't hold it anymore... or maybe they were raised in a way that never gave them permission to express darkness.... because of this, i have learnt to really appreciate the dark sharing... because it is a revealing of such human vulnerability... and its a kind of deep trust they have given to me... at the same time, it is that little spark of hope in the counseling sessions that really propells me to keep doing what i do.
the truth is we live in very dark times... just look at the number of natural disaster, wars, terrorist attacks that have humbled us over the last couple of years... many around the world are suffering from post-trauma symptoms, devastation and profound grief... yet amongst grief I am seeing such resilience, hope and strength... lightness and darkness go hand in hand... one cannot exist without the other...
i choose to write about the darkness because plastic positivity in everyday life has become somewhat of a denial or repression of emotions... i've even seen positivity being used to entertain or humor... to down-play and discount grief, heartache... when i experience sadness, i feel it to its core... if i sink in, i sink in... and if i emerge from it, i do... that is the nature of emotion... there is nothing weak about embracing sadness...
1997
Me: So what's your type?
Ca: well someone who's always happy, never sad.
Me: .... good luck
That's totally crazy... all human beings are multi-layered... we're capable of so much pain and joy... i wish we gave each other more permission to express pain in the moment without fear of judgement... i think we'd all live a lot longer and i think life would be richer, fuller and more free.
several entries ago i wrote about my 'dream'...
"I dream of serenity on a foggy day... the air is cool and my chest is light with peace... I enter a room and it’s a haven for the full range of my emotions... its a place where good and evil co-exist... where happiness comes to consciousness only in comparison to sadness... it’s a place that holds irony, oxymoron and all the contradictions of my life are held in a sacred space.... "
if anything... i think a big lesson for me, after my last break up, was that I really needed to keep this dream alive....
... posted
at 11:24 PM by C.flava.
1 comments
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Once upon a time I met the coolest chic... her hair was purple and standing in the sun... her smile was wider than her face... life was a drum and base rave... glow sticks, speed, e... whatever would rush her through the weekend... so yes, it was meant to be a simple holiday... but at 20, nothing is ever simple... so we fell madly in love... vacation romances are as always... intense, wild and incredibly mind blowing... "i've never wanted this with anyone... I want to marry you..." she said in the 6th month... she was on bended knee... white gold diamond ring placed on my hand... of course I said yes... months later I find her on the ground, ODing... one too many hits of K... "you're so stupid!"... and that was it... the ring the promises and the romance...
Once upon another time... i met the coolest chic... in a sexy skirt suit and deep voice she smiled and her eyes would dissapear... drumming, dancing shopping, bitching... warm nights cuddling... we fell in love... one day she called when I was on vacation elsewhere... "I bought this ring the other day right.... and... " a couple of months later... she wasn't sure anymore... and that was it... the ring the promises and the romance...
Once upon another time... shortly after... well... yes a similar scenerio... except there was no ring... by then I was done with initial dreams... and was skeptical of promises... a want or desire is different from actual action or commitment... and a couple of months later... well you know... there went the promises...
In the old days marriages/relationships withstood many things... adultry, war, pain, poverty... these days... its like a business contract... u either meet the deal or u don't... and if u don't that's it...
When something re-occurs again it is as if i missed something out the last time it happened... that there is something unfinished... a task that is incomplete... i am more than determined to finish whatever it is i am meant to close this time.
... posted
at 11:02 PM by C.flava.
5 comments
... posted
at 6:17 PM by C.flava.
0 comments
... posted
at 2:30 PM by C.flava.
0 comments
... posted
at 2:10 PM by C.flava.
0 comments
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Me- "i'll just make it clear i'm unavailable"
S- "Well just say you're with XXX"
Me- "Well that wouldn't be accurate."
S- "Ok then say you have sooo much on your plate, like 4 women or something."
Me- "How about i just say I'm totally devoted to spirit at the moment... you know like spirit of whiskey, of vodka..."
What the hell was S thinking??--- 4 women??? Whoever gets that lucky???? I sure as hell am never that lucky!
Additional thought...
Where people fail you, spirit of the bottle takes over.... in devotional practice, one makes it a daily ritual of sorts and embody the spirit in its wholeness... jack daniels, johnny walker, hoe gaarden... all part of the cosmic truth...
cheers..
... posted
at 5:40 PM by C.flava.
4 comments
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
"ring ring*
"hello this is SBC global calling about upgrading your DSL wireless service if you extend your contract with us for another year"
"grunt, and how much more will that cost me?"
"ma'am are we calling you at a bad time?"
"these are crazy times we live in."
"ok.... uhm... well if you extend your contract with us for another year we'll reduce your DSL connection fees from $29.99 a month to $24.99 a month. does that sound better?"
"ok, now i wanna talk to you"
"hahaha. yes you won't have to do anything and we'll upgrade you from 1500 Kb to 3000kb per minute."
"you just made my week."
----see what happens when you aren't nice?
... posted
at 3:15 PM by C.flava.
0 comments
just as i thought i was better... i woke up with a fever and the deep cough is still there...
the death toll in pakistan may rise to 40, 000
i am forcing myself to school eventhough i wish i could just lay down and rest
... posted
at 10:31 AM by C.flava.
0 comments
Monday, October 10, 2005
"What Are the Symptoms of Pleurisy?
Severe, fleeting, sharp, pain in your chest, often on one side only, when breathing deeply, coughing, moving, sneezing or even talking.
Severe chest pain that goes away when you hold your breath.
When pleurisy occurs in certain locations of the lungs, the pain can be felt in other parts of the body such as the neck, shoulder or abdomen.
Rapid, shallow breathing in response to the pain."
So the old name for pleurisy is bon holm... which is what my mother calls it... and which is what i get every couple of years during a flu... and oh my god was it painful for 2 weeks!... so glad its over... it's the 2nd day of actually physically feeling ok!
... posted
at 7:42 PM by C.flava.
1 comments
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Mother nature has spoken again... and I think I hear her voice loud and clear...18, 000 are dead from an earthquake in Pakistan... and I can only imagine the devastation and shock for them... the only thing that seperates myself from them is fate... and it could take me the same way it took them...
... posted
at 2:48 AM by C.flava.
0 comments
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
"you both were sick little hello kitty girls... indecisive and giggly everywhere you went!"
there is an element of truth to that criticism... we were a femme/femme cartoon nightmare...
one day... as with many other days, we decided to go shopping... what else were we gonna do?... we strolled into the store ramaging through the sale rack... picking outfits, bitching at the prices, rolling our eyes at bad hairdos in the store... and then the problem began...
it was a distinctly bimbotic problem... one that would never have arisen if our diva personalities did not clash...
"I love this pair of jeans!"
"Me too!"
"Oh no.."
"Oh no what?"
"We cannot be wearing the same thing"
we stared at each other confused and helpless
"well how about before you leave the house you tell me if you're gonna wear it"
"ok"
somehow... we miscommunicated on the phone
Femme #1 freaked out
Femme #2 freaked out
we had the same jeans on... it was like a nightmare
Femme #1 rushed home bitching ... Femme #2 bitched back
now i could cite a 100 more stories about the degree of bimbotic expression between us... but I'll end here... i fear hate mail.
... posted
at 3:57 PM by C.flava.
3 comments
years ago i was in the car with Kiran... I recall the intensity of that conversation... it was the sort of conversation where your feelings are spread out in the open... i talked about heart break and the intensity of loss and grief... my muscles felt an exhausted tension... kiran- was just about one of the bestestestest of friends i had at the time... she, with her usual german-indian humor, had this to say...
"well it's kinda like your heart's a muscle and it's working out to get stronger... like it is lifting these little weights... but it will get bigger and stronger"
we both smiled.
constance and i have had endless conversations about a human being's capacity to hold... the process of holding is a strange one... human beings have held war, death, hurricanes, tsunamis... in embracing our mortality and vulnerability it seems we find the courage and capacity to hold even more... my mother is an amazing example of such resilience... her capacity to surrender and hold has always baffled me...
my mother's heart muscle probably lifts a 50 pound weight with no problems... it has such an enormous capacity...
when my ex druggie gf crashed on the ground vomitting from a special k over dose... her male best friend tapped me on the shoulder, "does she know the difference between being strong and letting things go?"
i think he meant the art of surrendering while holding
... posted
at 3:21 PM by C.flava.
0 comments
Saturday, October 01, 2005
i've just been told that 4 bombs went off in Bali... I'm just so sick of these attacks... especially since the places bombed are places I have such intense and wonderful memories of.... when I went there 2 years ago i remember seeing t-shirts that said "fuck terrorism"... i remember the balinese telling me of their struggles to get the economy back in shape and their road towards recovering from the mental trauma of the last bombings... and now another 4 have gone off... i think anger and frustration have just overwhelmed me.
... posted
at 9:32 AM by C.flava.
0 comments
let it be said that it's official... i will never allow myself to be treated in such a degrading way... on to better things in life... faith is knowing there will come a better time.
... posted
at 2:36 AM by C.flava.
1 comments
