cynthetickravings...
Sunday, September 24, 2006
In previous times, I would awake from a honeymoon dream with the taste of stale bitterness... an eruption of age old wounds.. a disillusioned aching state... one of seeing the one you love fall off the pedestal...
This time I awoke and my heart cried with an openness and tenderness I cannot describe... the taste was mature with it's spices and aged sweetness... like a deep breath and a gentle exhale... a passionate surrender to the beauty of human contact... it's subjectivity to fate...
In June, I fell for a heart that was born free and it was with this appreciation that I noticed the summer skies smile... I smiled back.
These days I've been watching the autum moon hang.... it is the same moon that hangs on the other side of the planet.... a refreshing awakening... it takes some degree of courage to do this without falling apart...
......................................................nothing belongs to me... but I belong
for once, I feel cradled by the fatalistic conditions that are beyond my control...
... posted
at 1:15 PM by C.flava.
1 comments
Sunday, September 17, 2006
As a young child I would imagine joining the miss universe pagent...then being rescued by a beautiful man from an underground sect in ancient China... I dreamt of life in a high rise HDB... a 5 bedroom flat with babies, washing machines...etc... and a beautiful heroic man to cuddle with...
I don't know when I decided to be my own hero... perhaps it was when the realm of imagination and dreams got contained by hard and cold logic and the philosophy of Chinese Singaporean prospertity-driven-pragmatism...
pragmatism vs dreams
in a dual world perhaps both do not co-exist
in a human being they live like 2 dimensions... always on the verge of merging
I told a dear friend the other day that I had made several exchanges in my life... pragmatic safety for romantic love and vice versa... it was only in recent times that I have begun to see that there are no exchanges to be made...
... posted
at 12:24 PM by C.flava.
3 comments
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
... posted
at 2:57 AM by C.flava.
3 comments
i cannot comprehend all the many tiny things that people are capable of saying and doing... i looked through my photos from the the first day I bought my sony f828 and felt a mix of deep sadness for the past but gratitude for where I am now...
i've learned to be careful... very careful with how stories from a complete stranger who 'hears things' could ruin entire relationships...friendships... reputations... sometimes people twist and turn things... or fail to correct misunderstandings... i love the lesbian community for political and comrade needs... but like all things there is a dark side... rumors, vindictive gossip and lies... it can be a small town... i try to treat my community with care and respect,,... to be gentle... but I also have to draw boundaries and engage in some ways to self preserve...
so to those who have ceaselessly tried to ask me about the truth... here it is... I'm done protecting anyone's reputation... no one protects mine...
----
NO, the great wall of china and I we were never together! So there was never a break up! For the numerous ones who have been talking AS IF we were.... please, for crying out loud, STOP.... I was never ready for another relationship.... and was dead honest about it.
Out of the two years I was dating T, we were only together for 6 months... the rest of the time, she just wasn't sure. I was relentless about fixing things eventhough it was clear that the love had become one sided.
So there....no more questions please! let's have an end to this... i have a new life... i really want to put the past behind... but friends need to let it go... if i don't say things it's because i hate to make anyone look bad... stop asking!
I miss you all in the lion city badly... and i wish there were a way for me to have shared the last two years of my life better with you all... but distance was too hard... and frankly, I was too embarassed about the way my love life was going and didn't want to concern you all back home... u all were too far away.
... posted
at 1:33 AM by C.flava.
5 comments
Friday, September 08, 2006
happiness in a moment is when you feel your heart open up... unfold like a flower blooming
i can confidently express the profound sense of joy and peace in my heart
i have not been this happy in years... going to bed with a smile...waking up and wanting to see the sun...
simple things I'd ignored before have become pure gifts of everyday's divine work of art
to be inspired by this divinity... have it be my muse ...to create my existence... to co-create meaning with my loved ones and friends... to have faith in romance again... education again... my profession again... to drum endlessly... to crop a photo... to eat chocolate...
... posted
at 11:11 PM by C.flava.
4 comments
Thursday, September 07, 2006
